In the 7th grade, a classmate of mine lost control of his bowels during class. Sadly, he was never to be seen again. My personal classroom catastrophe (the first on that is) occurred the next year in speech class. I had two primary character traits at 14. I was lazy and I was painfully shy. These liabilities merged on the fateful day I was to deliver my first speech.

When my name was called to come to the stage, fear struck my soul like a lightening bolt. Although the sting is finally gone, I can still recall standing on that stage in front of my classmates with zero preparation and fear paralyzing my mind and powers of speech. Whatever I might have said was lost—sucked up into the intensifying storm raging in my mind. I imploded into self-condemnation and self pity. In my own way, I had also soiled my pants, and, in a sense, that was the last that was seen of me for a long, long time.

Timothy was also shy, but he had Paul as a mentor, Paul, who helped him see that he was a new person. Timidity had passed away and had been displaced by Christ. Paul made it clear that Timothy now had a spirit of boldness and sound mind: “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.

The speech class debacle confirmed my deepest fear, one that I had been flirting with since I was quite young and especially since going from a grade school class of 20 into a junior high class of 200. I was lost and I had a growing suspicion that I was worthless. My speech-less experience cemented this idea into the foundations of my identity.

However, I found a new friendship that relieved some of my pain—alcohol. It was available in abundance in my own home. For the following decade, I eased my paralyzing social misery with Jim Beam and Jose Cuervo. My new friends accompanied me to every social event for a full decade. If I hadn’t arrived, I was well on my way to drug addiction at 23.

By the time I met Christ in 1976, the dark thoughts, that had attached themselves to me in the eighth grade, had progressively strengthened and coiled around my identity so tightly that I knew I would soon suffocate. This may sound like hyperbole, but I knew without a doubt, something evil and powerful held me in its grip. For years, an agreement had been forming between it and myself. We both understood it was going to kill me at some point. What could be more appropriate for someone as worthless as I?

The wrecked cars and incarcerations were further evidence that Jim and Jose had turned on me. Other than the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, I was a sheep without a shepherd. I was utterly lost and lonely. My mantra and meditations did not alter the fact that I was quietly madder than hell at myself and the world. This is the prison Jesus liberated me from.

As if it were yesterday, I recall George Strella asking me if I knew Jesus as my personal savior. I assured him that I had no clue what he was talking about. I think I preempted his Evangelism Explosion spiel, and simply said, “Look, I believe in Jesus, and I will give Him my life. I am ruining it.” After our prayer, as far as I knew, I had ceded the deed of my life to Christ. I held nothing back (that I knew of). Why would I? The next thing I knew, I was a walking miracle.

Whatever, or whoever, had its claws in me, had been evicted. When Christ came in, that thing left. Jesus totally took me by surprise. My heart was doing backflips in joy and astonishment. I had been set free and was profoundly grateful to my Liberator. A new spirit of boldness had won the battle for my soul. The shy introvert could not keep from sharing about the new life he had found, or more accurately, the Life that had found him. “Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.”

I returned to college and graduated. I didn’t read my diploma, but I’m sure it said, “This boy is officially not stupid!” This was huge because I had dropped out of school in 1974 with full conviction that I was. In his frustration, my Dad had once said, “Robby, you could #%*! up an anvil with a rubber mallet.” To prove his point, I lived in progressive agreement with this lie for a long time.

Being somewhere between slow and stupid had been a core conviction of my old life. However, I had been raised from the dead! I began thinking for the first time in my life. The boy who never read now loved reading. Where did this come from? It had to be a Jesus thing! I had been Robby—the loser. I was now Rob—the reader and the redeemed. My new family in Christ preferred calling me Rob. Okay. Under the circumstances, a name change did not seem inappropriate. I just went with it. I was not lazy, shy, or stupid. I was now Rob—a new creation in Christ. I now belonged to Another.

Father, You have saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to Your own purpose and grace which was granted us in your Son from all eternity, but has now been revealed by the appearance of Jesus, who abolished death, and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! I know You! I believe in You! I love You! I am convinced that You are able to guard what I have entrusted to You (which is all of me) until that day. You are my all in all. Amen.

Here is the chorus of Bob Bennett’s “Lord of the Past.” It is so fitting.

Every harsh word spoken / Every promise ever broken to me / Total recall of data in the memory / Every tear that has washed my face / Every moment of disgrace that I have known / Every time I’ve ever felt alone   

Lord of the here and now / Lord of the come what may / I want to believe somehow / That you can heal these wounds of yesterday (You can redeem these things so far away) / So now I’m asking you / To do what you want to do / Be the Lord of the Past / Be the Lord of my Past / Oh how I want you to / Be the Lord of the Past

All the chances I let slip by / All the dreams that I let die in vain / Afraid of failure and afraid of pain / Every tear that has washed my face / Every moment of disgrace that I have known / Every time I’ve ever felt alone

Well I picked up all these pieces / And I built a strong deception / And I locked myself inside of it / For my own protection / And I sit alone inside myself / And curse my company / For this thing that has kept me alive for so long Is now killing me. / And as sure as the sun rose this morning, / The man in the moon hides his face tonight. / And I lay myself down on my bed / And I pray this prayer inside my head

Lord of the here and now / Lord of the come what may / I want to believe somehow / That you can heal these wounds of yesterday / So now I’m asking you / To do what you want to do / Be the Lord of my Past / You can do anything / Be the Lord of the Past / I know that you can find a way / To heal every yesterday of my life / Be the Lord of the Past

 

 

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