“..make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands..” 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12
Note; I share my personal experiences for one reason. I believe we share much in common; in how and by whom we are made; how we are fallen; and how His redemption plays out amidst our impure motives and messy lives. This being the case, our stories are valuable to each other. Your story may hold light and encouragement for me and I pray that mine might be that for you as well.
I mentioned on Thursday that this verse was one of two I had claimed for myself as a young Christian. Based on what I thought about myself at the age of 23 (which was not much), I just knew these verses fit my personality and would define my destiny. The other thought was from Psalm 131, “I do not involve myself in great matters, or in things too difficult for me.”
If you read Thursday’s installment you know that my motives for the selection of these verses were not all that God-inspired (at least not in the classic understanding of that idea). I know now that at least a part of my motives (since I was a young teen) has been “flight” – to distance myself from our family’s business and its president (my Dad) which I had come to associate with the intolerable pain of rejection and the undesirable aspect of complexity. (Complex things are not too inviting if you come to believe that your intellect and social skills are substandard.) As convoluted as my heart was, there was still even more to my unhealthy motives and identity issues.
It had to do with the stigma of wealth. As a young kid I started picking up on the attitudes my friends had toward those with money. I didn’t like what I was hearing about “golden” spoons and where they might be placed. I did everything I knew to hide my social status from others but, in my small town, it was a futile effort. What was innocent in grade school and junior high became more malicious in the high school years. It was during those years I learned that some even hated me for my father’s success. Lovely.
After the better part of a decade of mixing alcohol and drugs with (or for) the toxic things going on inside of me, I had exhausted all hope of a future. At 23, I was utterly lost and in a rapid descent into darkness. Enter Jesus. He made nothing less than a dramatic entrance, immediately setting me free from a bunch of nasty stuff and introducing me for the first time to hope, peace and joy. It was awesome! My new became how to sustain this new sense of well being or better yet, “How do I get more of this?” “What do I need to do?”
Some of the believers I threw-in with as a young disciple and many of the authors I began reading seemed to advocate austerity as the narrow path we must follow where we shall come to know Christ. So, with their lead, I began blending “religion” (compliance to external and internal standards as a means of pleasing God) into my already contaminated motivations. I had come to believe monetary success spelled doom for my soul. I had an intuitive sense of my depravity already but much of the preaching I heard only reinforced the notion that I was, at the core of my identity, essentially a sinful creature with prideful motives who would be incapable of managing financial rewards. So, the plan that formed in the dimly lit space of my heart was: flee (flight) from that possibility and temptation; work with my hands; insure a lower middle class wage; work exceedingly hard, (which had been the religion of my father’s family); fear God; and perhaps (if I perform well) I will please Him and consequently, insure my salvation.
I know this may all sound crazy, but I would have crawled on glass for the balance of my days to avoid going back to the waste, the pain and the darkness of my life before Christ. For a person like myself whose primary prayer was Psalm 139: 23 & 24 (search and try my heart and expose wrong motives), mine was fertile ground for God to work in. Note; There is a big difference between fleeing from or being driven by something and being drawn to Someone.
Much of my understanding of who God is has come from how I have perceived Him answering this request of mine that I have continually reminded Him of for 37 years (like He forgot?) Again, the irony is rich; that I would choose verses for the wrong reason, and through His intimate awareness and care for me, would permit me to end up resting in His arms after a frantic search for Him (like I was ever lost?). I am stunned by His kindness.
I think a book could easily be devoted to exploring how wounded, rejection-prone hearts get entangled with “religion” which I think of as the human heart’s endeavor to comply with perceived standards of approved behavior or attitude with the illusion that they are pleasing God with their performance. Much of my story is about getting unentangled from “religion” and finding myself progressively at peace with God, increasingly at rest in His love, satisfied with His grace and secure in my identity as a saint. I really do not know how to improve upon this deal.
Father, Help us to see where we have undermined Your grace through our entanglement with religion. Heal our hearts that we might truly enjoy You. Expose religion for what it is – a demonic ploy to distort our image of You, others, ourselves, and the Life of God that is embedded in our story. You are a good Father. Thank You. Amen.