Poor Thomas. He wasn’t there when Jesus showed up. Thomas is among good company. I believe his experience highlights some important questions for those who would endeavor to take up their crosses and follow Christ. First; How are we to think about our relationship with God when we, for reasons we cannot grasp, seem to be absent when Jesus shows up? And probably more importantly, how is God feeling and thinking about us in that apparent disadvantaged circumstance? 

                                                                     More Lord!

During a season in the mid-90’s “More Lord!” with its unique command and declaratory flavor was prayed and spoken over thousands upon thousands of people around the world. Many, but certainly not all of those who received this prayer would say, “God indeed showed up!”  Yet, there were those who earnestly desired to receive “more” who did not. They came but many left feeling much like the lonely girl who was not asked to dance at the big party. 

I have many friends who got to dance at those gatherings and others who did not even shuffle their feet.  The presence of God was enjoyed by many but some left wondering what was wrong with them or worse – with those who were claiming to have been touched? To date some of these people have struggled in relating to each other. This is truly sad; people united in Christ yet divided by an apparent have / have-not encounter with God. In light of Thomas’ (and my own) experience, I feel qualified to weigh in on the subject of God encounters. You see, I’ve had a few and I’ve missed a few. 

I came into the kingdom through a 2-phased God-encounter. The first phase was what most evangelicals refer to as “a salvation” experience. However it didn’t involve deep remorse over my sin or fear of hell. It involved a lonely young man who knew he was lost and felt that hell already had its grip on him. At the conclusion of a church service (which I stumbled into while trailing a girl) I was asked if I would like to invite Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior. I recall my words as if they were yesterday. With more earnestness than I had ever spoken, I said,  “I don’t have a clue what your talking about. But, I will do this; I will give my life unconditionally to Jesus and He can do anything He wants with it.”  And I did. To my utter astonishment, He took me at my word!! Over a period of a few weeks my heart was put to rights. Although this experience was radically transformational, it did not contain much emotion or drama beyond the miracle of peace in my heart and freedom from bondage.

The second phase of my kingdom initiation happened after I had reconnected with some old friends and twisted off over a wild weekend. To say I felt miserable afterword would be a gross understatement. Because I had lost the peace and the joy that had consumed my heart for several months, I assumed I had lost my union with the One who had initially provided it. Its hard to describe how fearful and desolate my heart felt considering the prospect of having squandered the most precious thing I had ever experienced. As I headed back to my home on a two hour drive I experienced something that accounts for the reason I have spent the past 37 years mostly among those with Pentecostal leanings. Evangelicals withdrew the right hand of fellowship when I told them about this experience.

10,000 words would not due justice in describing what happened after I told God how deeply sorry I was for squandering the joy and the peace He had so freely and liberally given me. I learned a few things in my hour-long, mostly one sided response from God to my broken heart’s plea to please do not take his Holy Spirit from me. A few things for sure; God was not in the least angry with me. (Wow!!) He made it abundantly clear that He was my father and that he would always rescue me when I called out to him. (Whew!!) It was also super clear that God is still speaking today and His unseen presence can be manifest to a human spirit. (OMG!!) OK, just a few more things; (Its really hard to stop once I get started on this subject.) The majesty of Jesus’ name is incomprehensible and the dimensions of God’s love are unfathomable! 

I love using words to describe our inner life with God – this realm where our spirits connect with his. But, I have to simply say that after having encountered him as I did, human language is a pitifully inadequate tool for this task. My very best effort could only bring us near the approaches of God’s kingdom expanse. And, even then, it would be my encounter not yours. So, what’s to be done with our “More Lord!” sentiments and petitions? 

Oh how very deeply I wanted my mid-1990’s “More Lord!” prayers to result in a re-visitation of God that would inspire me as had in 1976. I felt that I needed that wind of eternal inward life to move me through a deep slough of despond. It was not to come however, at least not as I had anticipated. I exhausted myself trying to chase down a “more Lord”-encounter. I eventually prayed something like this. It might sound familiar…. 

“I don’t have a clue what you are doing God but I will do this; I will (once again) give my life unconditionally to you. You can do anything you want with it. To my utter astonishment, He took me at my word and over a few years my heart was once again being put to rights. I had also told God, if revival was what you’re are after, I volunteer my heart as a launching pad. 

If you read the bible and you listen to the Body of Christ at-large it is clear that God arranges for (or permits) some to experience him in dramatic fashion. We may think of these people as blessed ones, having been touched by the Holy Spirit and I truly believe they are. However, Jesus also says….

“Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.”

Because I have been one who has seen and also one who did not see as he had wished I want to say thank you to the Lord for permitting both but especially my season of not seeing – that season where waiting was my only option. In that unwanted (even resented) season I made the counterintuitive discovery that while I was striving for more I already had all of him in-Christ. I am only speaking for myself, but in my “More Lord!” prayer there was some unbelief, restlessness, dissatisfaction and complaint mingled in with my legitimate hunger. I might as well have said, “Not enough Lord!”

The strife that was woven into my prayers, that I had labelled and sanctified as holy zeal may have been the appropriate prayer for the moment but it was by no means the long term condition God aspired for my heart. God wanted rest for my soul.

There is a unique place in God where we deal with the apparent contradictions of hunger and rest, where we are deeply satisfied with each moment in him and yet are simultaneously asking for greater revelations and expansion of his kingdom. In my hour long experience with God I was blown away but in my extended season of painful waiting I experientially discovered my identity in Christ. I have been the beneficiary of those moment-in-time, one-off encounters but I have been even more strongly impacted by the process of waiting for God and walking with him through life’s circumstances. This is what I understand to be discipleship.

Many who felt out of place in the gatherings of the mid-90’s have run to the bible as their sole or primary source of revelation. (Truth be known, whole denominations have done the same.) And on the other hand, it seems that the bible has become less important to those effected by the more pentecostal experiences. From where I stand today in my sojourn with Jesus, I pray;

Father help us to recognize our completeness in Christ. However impressive it might look, purge every ounce of religious striving from our being. At the same time, return to our heart’s their childlike joy and faith that unashamedly sees and asks for more and rightly understands your goodness and generosity. Teach our insecure hearts to embrace both the Word and the Spirit and to honor all men in their particular experience with you. Amen.

Epilogue; If you read the whole passage you find that Thomas eventually has his encounter with a very patient Lord who will not loose a single one that has been given him. We are his inheritance. He is supremely jealous and protective of us. It may be a mystery that goes unresolved while in our earthly bodies but in the process of putting our hearts and this world to rights he will use, as he always has, both encounter and process.  For some, including Paul, God blesses them by just pouring out revelation, making the need of initial faith unnecessary. For others, he reserves for them the privilege of acquiring their birthrights by faith, preserving for them the upside-special blessing of those who have believed without seeing. The good news for disciples is that Thomas had his encounter and so shall we.