John 20:19-31

Poor Thomas wasn’t there when Jesus showed up. I believe his experience raises an important question for those who would follow Jesus. How are we to think about our relationship with God when we, for reasons we cannot grasp, seem to be absent when Jesus shows up?

More Lord!

During a season in the mid-90’s, the phrase, “More Lord!” was prayed thousands upon thousands of times by people around the world. Many, but certainly not all, who prayed this prayer would say, “God indeed showed up!”  Yet, there were those who earnestly desired to receive “more” who did not.

I came into the kingdom through a 2-phased God-encounter. The first was what most evangelicals refer to as “a salvation” experience. However it didn’t involve deep remorse over my sin or fear of hell. It involved a lonely young man who knew he was lost and felt that hell already had its grip on him. At the conclusion of a church service (which I stumbled into while trailing a girl) I was asked if I would like to invite Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior. I recall my words as if they were yesterday. With more earnestness than I had ever spoken, I said,  “I don’t have a clue what your talking about. But, I will do this; I will give my life unconditionally to Jesus and He can do anything He wants with it.”  To my utter astonishment, He took me at my word! Over a period of weeks something incredible transpired in my heart. Although this experience was radically transformational, it did not contain much emotion or drama beyond the miracle of peace in my heart and a new found freedom from bondage.

The second phase of my kingdom orientation happened after I had reconnected with some old friends and twisted off over a wild weekend. To say I felt miserable afterword would be a gross understatement. Because I had lost the peace and the joy that had consumed my heart for several months, I assumed I had lost my union with the One who had initially provided it. Its hard to describe how fearful and desolate my heart felt considering the prospect of having squandered the most precious thing I had ever experienced. As I headed back to my home on a two hour drive I experienced something that accounts for the reason I have spent the past 38 years mostly among those with Pentecostal leanings -most evangelicals withdrew from me when I told them about this experience. (I have wondered since if a muzzle should been issued to me at conversion.)

10,000 words would not suffice in describing what happened after I told God how sorry I was for squandering the joy and the peace which He had so freely and liberally given me. I learned a few things in the hour-long response from God to my broken heart’s plea to please do not take the Holy Spirit from me. Here is the briefest summary….. God was not angry! He did not express an iota of anger. He made it abundantly clear that He was my father and that he would always rescue me when I called out to him. It was also super clear that God is still speaking today and His unseen presence can be manifest to a man. Also, regarding God’s nature; His majesty is incomprehensible and His love is unfathomable!

I love using words to describe our inner life with God – this realm where our spirits connect with his but I have a deep conviction that human language is pitifully inadequate for this task. The best wordsmiths can only bring us near the approaches of God’s presence. And, even then, it would be my encounter not yours (or yours and not mine).  Since they are not unique to Pentecostals nor to a brief season in the 90’s what’s to be done with the “More Lord!” sentiments of our hearts? I can only say that as his disciples we must learn to steward them.

Oh how deeply I wanted those mid-90’s “More Lord” prayers to result in a re-visitation of God which would inspire me as I had been in 1976. I felt I needed that wind of inspiration to move me through a deep slough of despond. It was not to come however, at least not as I had anticipated. After I had nearly exhausted myself trying to chase down another more Lord-encounter I eventually prayed something like this. It might sound familiar….

I don’t have a clue what you are doing God but I will do this; I will (once again) give my life unconditionally to you. You can do anything you want with it.

Again, He took me at my word and over a few years my heart was once again enjoying peace and joy.

If you read the bible and if you sample the stories of believers over time and throughout the world it is clear that God arranges for some to experience Him in dramatic fashion. We may think of these people as blessed and I believe they are. However, Jesus also says….

Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed.

Because I have been both, one who has seen and one who did not see I want to say thank you to the Lord for permitting both but especially for the seasons of not seeing – those times where waiting has been the only option. In those unwanted (even resented) seasons I made the counterintuitive discovery that while I was striving for more I already had All.  In Christ we have everything. He is our All in All.  In retrospect I see that my “More Lord!” prayers contained unbelief, restlessness, dissatisfaction and complaint mingled in with my legitimate hunger. I might as well have said what was on my heart, which was, “Not enough Lord!”

The strife in my heart which was evidenced by my prayers (which I had identified as holy zeal) may have been unavoidable but it was by no means the long term condition God aspired for me. God wanted rest for my soul. There is a unique place in God where we deal with the apparent contradictions of hunger and rest, where we are deeply satisfied with each moment in him while our hearts are yet crying out for the intimacy which is destined to one day be consummated. Being aware of this may help us steward our thirst for Him.

I was inspired by my God encounter but it has been the seasons of waiting where I have discovered (and am working out) my identity in Christ which I consider to be my birthright. I have experienced a moment-in-time encounter with God and it was glorious but I believe I have benefited far more from the process of waiting on God, discovering by faith that He is always present (even when my feelings are uncooperative). It is while walking with him through life’s circumstances that I am coming to know Him and myself. This is what I understand to be discipleship.

Father help us to recognize our completeness in Christ. However impressive it might look, purge every ounce of religious striving from our being. At the same time, return to our heart’s their childlike joy and faith that unashamedly sees and asks for more and rightly understands your goodness and generosity. Teach our insecure hearts to embrace both the Word and the Spirit and to honor all men in their experience with you. Amen.

Epilogue; If you read the whole passage you find that Thomas eventually has his encounter with a very patient Lord who will not loose a single one that has been given him. We are God’s inheritance. He is supremely jealous and protective of us. It may be a mystery that goes unresolved on earth but in the process of putting our hearts and this world to rights he will use, as he always has, both encounter and process.  For some, including Paul, God blesses them by just pouring out revelation, making the need of initial faith of less importance. For others, he reserves for them the privilege of acquiring their birthrights by faith, reserving for them the upside-blessing of those who have believed without seeing. The good news for disciples is that Thomas had his encounter and so shall we.