Poor Thomas wasn’t there when Jesus showed up. I believe his experience raises an important question for those who would follow Christ. How are we to think about our relationship with God when we, for reasons we cannot grasp, seem to be absent when Jesus shows up?
More Lord!
During a season in the mid-90’s, the phrase, “More Lord!” was prayed and declared thousands upon thousands of times by people around the world. Many, but certainly not all, who prayed this prayer would testify, “God indeed showed up!” Yet, there were those who earnestly desired to receive “more” who did not. How are his children to calibrate their expectations?
I came into the kingdom through two more Lord encounters. The first was what most evangelicals refer to as “a salvation” experience. However it didn’t involve deep remorse over my sin or fear of hell. It involved a lonely young man who knew he was lost and felt that hell already had its grip on him. At the conclusion of a church service (which I stumbled into while trailing a girl) I was asked if I would like to invite Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior. I recall my words as if they were yesterday. With more earnestness than I had ever spoken, I said, “I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. But, I will do this; I will give my life unconditionally to Jesus and He can do anything He wants with it.” To my utter astonishment, He took me at my word. Over a period of weeks something incredible transpired in my heart. Although this experience was radically transformational, it did not contain much emotion or drama beyond the miracle of peace in my heart and a newfound freedom from bondage. I definitely had more of the Lord!
The second of these encounters happened a few moths later after I had reconnected with some old friends one weekend and did some carousing. To say I felt miserable afterward would be a gross understatement. Because I had lost the feelings of peace and the joy that I had known, I assumed I had lost my union with the One who had provided it. It’s hard to describe how desolate I felt, knowing I had offended Jesus and squandered the most precious relationship I had ever known. During my two-hour drive home, I experienced something that explains why I have spent most of the past 40 years among those with Pentecostal leanings. Evangelicals withdrew from me when I told them about this experience.
They are all I have, but words alone are inadequate to describe what happened after I told God that I missed Him. After my plea; “Please do not take the Holy Spirit from me” I learned a few things about my God. Here is the briefest of summaries: God was not angry. He did not express an iota of anger! He made it abundantly clear that he was my Father and that he would always rescue me when I called out to him. It was also super clear that he is still speaking today and His unseen presence can be manifest to a man. He revealed to me that his majesty is incomprehensible and His love is unfathomable. These truths were not spoken in words. These revelations came in waves. Though no words (as we think of them) were spoken I heard these things with resounding clarity in my heart. This was encounter #2. You can imagine how my expectations were now calibrated.
I use words to describe our inner life with God—this realm where our spirits connect with his. At the same tIme, I know mere words are pitifully inadequate. The best wordsmiths can only point us toward God. However, suppose words could usher us into divine intimacy; our coveted encounter would still be just our personal experience. What is to be done with the “More Lord” sentiments of our hearts? I believe, as his disciples, we must learn to steward them and our longings for them.
In the mid-90’s, how deeply I wanted a re-visitation of God that would inspire me as I had been in 1976. I felt I needed that wind of inspiration to move me through a deep slough of despond. It was not to come, at least not as I had anticipated. After I had nearly exhausted myself trying to chase down another more-Lord encounter, I eventually prayed something like this—it might sound familiar:
“I don’t have a clue what you’re doing God, but I will do this: I will (once again) give my life unconditionally to you. You can do anything you want with it.”
Again, He took me at my word, and over a few years, my heart once again enjoyed peace and joy.
If you read the Bible and if you sample the stories of believers over time and throughout the world, it is clear that God arranges for some to experience Him in dramatic fashion. We may think of these people as blessed—I believe they are. However, Jesus also says:
Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. (John 20-29)
Because I have been both, one who has received more and one who has not, I am grateful to the Lord for permitting me both, but especially for the seasons of longing—those times where waiting has been the only option. In those unwanted (even resented) seasons, I made the counterintuitive discovery that while I was striving for more, I already had it. In Christ, we have everything. He is our All in All. In retrospect I see that my “More Lord” prayers contained unbelief, restlessness, dissatisfaction, and complaint mingled in with some legitimate hunger. While my mouth was saying, “More Lord” my heart was really saying, “This is not enough Lord!”
The strife in my heart (which I had labeled as holy zeal), may have been unavoidable, but it was by no means the long-term condition God aspired for me. God wanted rest for my soul. There is a unique place in God where we deal with the apparent contradictions of hunger and rest, where we are deeply satisfied with each moment in him while our hearts are yet crying out for the intimacy which is destined to one day be complete. Being aware of this may help us steward our thirst for Him.
I was inspired by my God encounter, but it has been the seasons of waiting where I have discovered my identity in Christ, which I consider to be my birthright. I have experienced a moment-in-time encounter with God, and it was glorious, but I believe I have benefited at least as much from waiting on God, discovering by faith that He is always present (even when my feelings are uncooperative). It is while walking with him through life’s challenging circumstances that I am coming to know Him and myself. Our stewardship in this process of encounter and waiting is a large part of what it means to be His disciple.
Father, help us to recognize our completeness in Christ. Purge every ounce of religious striving from our being. At the same time, return our heart’s to childlike joy and faith that unashamedly asks for more and rightly understands your goodness and generosity. Teach our insecure hearts to embrace both the Word and the Spirit and to honor all men in their experience with you. Amen.
Epilogue. If you read the whole passage you find that Thomas eventually had his encounter with a very patient Lord who will not loose a single one that has been given him. We are God’s inheritance. He is supremely jealous and protective of us. It may be a mystery that goes unresolved on earth, but in the process of putting our hearts and this world to rights he will use, as he always has, both encounter and process. For some, including Paul, God blesses by just pouring out revelation, making the need of initial faith of less importance. For others, he reserves for them the privilege of acquiring their birthrights by faith, reserving for them the upside blessing of those who have believed without seeing. The good news for disciples is that Thomas had his encounter; so shall we.